OK, sports fans, this could only happen in Los Angeles
Yours truly was at home working on a court case when L.A. Times reporter Ching-Ching Ni contacted me. After introducing herself, she went on to explain that an L.A.- based woman had been shot in the chest. The woman who was shot was the victim of a gunman bent on seeking revenge toward his wife, who happened to work in the same dental office as the victim did.
Coincidentally, the victim had previously augmented her breasts from a B-cup to a D-cup. It seems that the semiautomatic rifle (unknown caliber) was discharged into her arm and right breast. One round apparently traversed through the implant and into her chest. The Beverly Hills surgeon who performed the reconstructive surgery proffered, “I saw the CT scan. The bullet fragments were millimeters from her heart and her vital organs. Had she not had the implant, she might not be alive today.”
(The cosmetic surgeon is performing the reconstructive surgery for, in his words, “next to nothing” in the hopes of getting implant companies to donate supplies. I love this guy!)
“So, Mister Reitz,” the reporter continued,
“would you say that women
should get breast implants to save
their lives in the event of a shooting?”
Now, I am not thrown off track easily, but there were a number of different thoughts coursing through my little mind while my wife, Brett, looked at me quizzically from across the room.
First and foremost, thank Dow Chemical for better living through chemistry! Second, the bigger they are, the more they stop! Third, to be truly effective, you’d have to have rows of them both front and back and from top to bottom. Now in a very, very dark room, under very, very, incapacitated conditions, this might be interesting. On the other hand, when you arose in the early morning glare, you might very well go into vapor lock!
I proceeded to tell our enterprising reporter about ballistics, trajectory paths, calibers and velocities and the many variables that all shootings exhibit. This did not make much of an impression with her. What she really wanted to know, she further explained, was if, in fact, the D-cup implant could stop a round (apparently any and all rounds in existence) and thereby save a person’s life.
Under ideal conditions and taking into consideration the caliber, velocity and aspect angle of introduction into the breast, that would be a possibility, I answered.
“So you’re saying it could save
someone’s life?”“Under ideal conditions, yes.”
“So would you recommend that all
women get breast augmentation?”
“Yes, but not necessarily for that
“What do you mean?”
“Does it matter that the breast is
filled with saline solution?”
“I really don’t think most men care about
that one way or another.”
“Well, would the saline solution stop a bullet?”
“It could, but the damage would be a crying shame.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you think that this situation is more unique to L.A. than the rest of the
“Well, if it’s frontal ballistic protection you’re talking about, then I guess L.A.has everyone else in the world beat, hands down, no questions asked!”
I further explained to her that if I thought breast augmentation was an effective medium for defeating incoming projectiles, I would go out and get a set myself.
“Sure. Why not? It’s L.A. after all, right?”
Ching-Ching was very nice and, while I am taking some liberties with my story here, the article did run. (“Scarred but grateful to be alive,” L.A. Times, Feb. 25, 2010) She misquoted me a bit, but not too badly.
As a result of this incident and article, this year I fully expect to see bevies and bevies of L.A. women sporting enhancements not for opposite gender attraction, but rather for self-preservation.
Now that’s taking survival to a whole new level!